My car crash a week ago
My son and I were in a three car pile-up on highway 26 a week ago. We were slowing due to an accident that had just occurred about 7 cars ahead of us, though we didn’t know it at the time. There was plenty of space in front of us and I wasn’t alarmed by the slow-down but as I was slowing I saw out of the corner of my eye some motion in my rearview mirror. I looked up just in time to see and hear a car skid, swerve into the oncoming lane and smash into the car behind me (that was also trying desperately to slow down). That car hit us. Nico’s beloved bike was on our attached trunk bike rack which absorbed a lot of the impact so our car wasn’t as damaged as the others. All other cars in both accidents were clearly totaled.
When people hear that I’ve been in an accident, they ask right away if I’m okay. It is a natural caring question. But interestingly, I’ve been feeling an odd pressure to say that I am okay. I have found that I often do - which is true. But it is also true that I am not okay. I’ve also noticed that it seems like the physical symptoms are what I gravitate to talking about first, almost like culturally there is more space for and understanding of the physical pain as evidence of the trauma that one can see or directly speak to. Although the physical symptoms have been present, what has been far more significant and disruptive to my wellbeing so far has been the emotional intensity and mental fatigue of the shock and trauma.
A couple visiting from the east coast had stopped to help the first accident then turned to see ours happen. The woman came running up to us just afterward, helped us out of the car and put her arms around both me and Nico and held us telling us we were safe. We were shaking badly and Nico was crying and her calming presence and immediate physical loving touch was amazing medicine. She sat with us (particularly Nico) while I ran around connecting with the other parties, EMT, Fire and State Troopers. I am so incredibly grateful to her and I vow to pay that favor forward if ever I am in a similar situation.
My husband Chris was on his way to meet us and bring Nico back to Portland, and I would return to the beach for the treasured solo time I had planned and had desperately needed. It was a relief to see him and after about two hours we were able to connect with the State Trooper for the accident report and go our separate ways.
As the trooper was explaining the report and next steps, Nico showed interest and began asking him about his role. Even though the officer had serious issues to deal with and several people to attend to, he bent down and really connected with him, answering his questions and making him feel comfortable and important. He said that he could see that one of the most important things we needed to do was to get him a silver badge sticker and went to fetch some from his vehicle. When he returned with three, he also showed Nico his old TROOPER patch. Since he was a new supervisor, he didn’t need it anymore and wondered if Nico would like to have it.
He offered it to him with a sparkle in his eye. Nico was over the moon and I could see that he felt really honored. It was so healing to see the heartfelt kindness and sense of safety this public servant provided to an eight-year-old kid who just went through something difficult.
Relieved to be leaving, I got back in my car and drove about an hour back on that same highway. It was hard to do. I was tense and on the edge of my seat, not wanting any distraction whatsoever. I was still in shock and the whole first night was challenging to navigate. I reached out to friends who gave me some great advice and energy work which helped a lot. My friend Danielle Savory, an expert in the fields of neuropsychology, mindfulness, sexual pleasure and intimacy shared with me that if you’ve just been through a trauma, it can help a lot to shake your whole body thoroughly, often and as any emotions come up. She said that this is what animals do when they’ve been through a trauma and it helps to discharge the energy and complete the stress cycle. I got the boys on the phone and we wiggled and shook together for a bit while they were in the middle of tickle cuddle time and it was good medicine for us all.
It seemed like I was recovering and feeling a bit more balanced by the second day. But the moment the naturopath/acupuncturist touched my wrist to take my pulses I burst into tears. Wave after wave of tears released the trauma from my body during her expert acupuncture, massage, craniosacral and reiki treatment. That was more emotional release than in any past treatment I’ve ever had.
Though I’d had visions of taking myself out for a nice dinner or walking to get coffee during my solo time, I needed to be on my own to heal and recover during those first couple days. After her treatment, I decided to take myself out for lunch in town. While waiting in line at Wild in Manzanita, a fire fighter came in. A few seconds after being in his presence, gentle but persistent tears started to roll down my cheeks. He went in the other room and I followed him and thanked him for the work he does. I explained that I knew it wasn’t his team, but the firefighters that supported us were wonderful and so helpful. I could not stop crying and got in my car and sobbed as I drove back to the house.
I had been planning to rest, write and work on my next exciting adidas facilitation project but I was just too raw and in shock to focus. I played my singing bowls often, took long walks on the beach and bike rides through the nearby state park. Toward the end of that day, I decided that I needed to go home early. I wanted to be with my family and to drive on the roads early in the morning, when they were likely to be more empty. I treasure my rare solo time when I can take care of my own needs and desires without hesitation. Never in my eight and a half years as a mother have I left early from such a trip. But this was so very different.
Though I have been able to show up with brightness for a few things this past week, I have generally been tender and have had little capacity for much. At one point I tried to push myself to attend Nico’s last baseball game of the season even though I felt like I needed to rest. I ended up unable to cope and was tearful as I left, only a few minutes after arriving. I’ve needed to sleep more and spend most of the energy I do have on being present in the client work I’ve been able to do, parenting and the shocking amount of hours required to organize logistics, scheduling and attend treatments from the crash. For example, the paperwork, chiropractic treatment, scheduling and picking up the rental car took about 3.5 hours yesterday.
I hope that finding the words to share about my experience will help validate the realities of what trauma can look like for all of us. I imagine many of you can relate. What I’m learning from this is to give myself the space to be real about what’s happening for me and resist the temptation to “be fine” when I’m not yet fine. I’m also getting all the healing treatments my body and energy system are asking for and I highly recommend this to you too - always.
One big theme through this chapter is how much I have felt held by the people on scene, the healing practitioners I have worked with so far, and my community in general. Thank you too for the space you are holding for me by witnessing this experince through reading these words.
Remember to take the time to heal, no matter what you are healing from or how long ago it happened. It is easy to get busy and fill time with others’ needs and your bigger goals. But now is a great time to slow down with a few intentional breaths, ask yourself what you need and then see how you might prioritize making it happen.
Lots of love,
Anna