Crying on the playground used to be thought of as weak. The men in our lives, mostly in previous generations, would try to help the boys toughen up and hold back tears to show they were strong. Why on earth did this become so normalized?
We have had to do a lot of unlearning. I am raising a boy and I want him to feel. I want him to see his vulnerability as a strength and a superpower. I don’t want him to shut his feelings down, even when it can be difficult for me to be around them. So I’m walking a parental tightrope between the old way, and the new way. It takes balance to help him learn to function in a world that still holds onto outdated value systems and to provide the spaciousness and support for him to feel safe to sense and express his emotions. Ideally he can fully experience his feelings so he can be at home in his body and confident in his self knowing, creativity and authenticity. My hope is that with this self awareness he will have more empathy and compassion and therefore more desire and capacity to use his power and privilege in ways that benefit the community and the world. I wish this for all our children and all of us - especially those who identify as boys and men since they have been stripped so often of the freedom to express emotion.
Nico is eight years old. He could’t find his baseball hat before practice this week and had a thorough and full-on crying, screaming-at-the-top-of-his-lungs absolute melt down which of course was a challenge for anyone in the vicinity. This is “normal, natural and necessary” behavior for his growing brain, say amazing parenting coaches and twins Hannah and Kelty of Upbringing. But OMG it is tough to support him through it! It often feels close to impossible to not jump on the disregulation train and ride it to a far-off land where none of us recognize ourselves. But even still, I don’t want to shut those feelings down just because I am uncomfortable or because it makes other people uncomfortable. I want him to feel them in their entirety and continue to learn how to respond to them authentically and in a way that also fits into society.
I remember when Nico was about one year old and I was in the Intergenrational Women’s Choir with the amazing choir director, Crystal Meneses. After a concert one evening, an elder came up to me and complimented me on how “good” (quiet) my child was during the performance. On one hand it felt nice to have that compliment, but on the other, it was off putting. The flip side of that sentiment is that a child is “bad” if they are loud. No thanks. I can’t imagine anyone feeling safe in that kind of scenario, but it is incredibly common.
This “good/bad” judgement based on a child expressing or suppressing feelings has had a powerful effect on many. This means that a LOT of children were and still are expected to mask or minimize their feelings. I want to clarify that allowing oneself to feel emotions and express them in a way that is conscientious of the spaces we share with others (more quietly for example), is quite different in my view than when one is shushed or told to stop feeling or stop crying and therefore suppresses their feelings.
I now work with many adults who are trying to unlearn that pattern of suppression so they can connect with themselves more deeply and access their intuitive knowing to guide them into their lives - which in turn helps them feel happier and more at home in their bodies.
I’d love to remove the “good/bad” binary from our thinking about children, ourselves and each other. I want us to give and receive love and a sense of safety and welcome when we allow ourselves and each other to feel. These feelings are so rich with healing and clarity, releasing us from stagnation and pain and guiding us toward what we truly desire.
Many people cry in session with me and they often are quick to apologize for doing so. Why is this so common? Is the apology to keep me from feeling uncomfortable? Is it to excuse “bad” behavior from that old training? This crying is REALLY important! It almost always is a sign of reaching deep places, accessing the love and healing that has been hungered for, and the longing for connection that is finally felt. This can indicate that energy and emotion are finally moving; releasing grief and allowing in healing and beyond that, joy.
I’m giving you permission to stop apologizing when you cry. Own those powerful emotions! Your tears are the undeniable language of your heart showing you that you LOVE. That you FEEL. That you are PROGRESSING on your soul’s journey. Let them move through you with pride.
This week I worked with a mom and her daughter who is about 11 years old. A few years ago a psychic suggested the daughter imagine curling up in a ball to block from receiving too much of other’s energy. I’m not sure if the energy of that moment moves through these words as I type them, but just for fun, don’t read the next paragraph yet. Take a breath and check in with how that suggestion feels when you imagine it for her. Does it feel in alignment to you? (You don’t need to know any other information, just trust your feeling. Then see if it matches what I felt below.)
Maybe it was helpful information at the time, but it really seemed like the opposite of what would be beneficial for her now. I could sense that she tends to energetically curl up in a ball in general and hold tight to emotion and energy in her body. I immediately wanted her to stand in a superhero pose, legs slightly apart, hands on hips, back upright. I wanted her to CLAIM her space and her body, bringing a sense of sovereignty and strength. I had the three of us stand up and do this pose as we talked about and felt the difference between curling up in a ball and the superhero pose and what that communicated to our bodies, our brains and the energies we interact with.
I’m suggesting the same for you when it comes to feeling your emotions. Be a superhero about it! They are natural and you have the right to experience them. Love them as they move through you. They are your teachers and companions. And if you identify as male or spend time with someone who does, let them know that you are an ally; that expressing their feelings is welcome and you will listen and support and love them for it. Even if it is awkward to say, the open invitation will be given and that modeling of direct welcoming of vulnerability can heal many layers for you, them and for the cultural energetic pattern connected with us all.
Here’s another invitation for this week: make an altar in honor of your relationship with your emotions and/or in honor of a deeper relationship with emotions for those who identify as male. This can be one you create while on a walk with found objects or something in your home. Make a commitment to yourself and/or them that honors your feelings and/or theirs. You can speak this aloud, know it in your heart or write it down.
Journal or thinking prompt: A time I felt so grateful to cry was when…
(Notice what stands out that feels good about this memory and see if you can replicate some part of that experience next time you or someone else is having feelings that inspire tears.)
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